Should I Stop “Shoulding?”

Exodus 20:1-17

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his children together to ask which one should have the present. Since he wanted them to choose for themselves, which among them deserved the marvelous toy he urged them to think about themselves and about one another, and ask themselves, "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?" The five kids answered in unison. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Bible scholars and Judeo-Christian theologians call it the Decalogue

But ordinary people like you and I, we call it the Ten Commandments. It is a list of the original basic laws which God gave to Moses as the starting point for the nation of Israel.

The Old Testament lesson for today is about the Ten Commandments — a fitting choice for the Third Sunday in Lent.

So, naturally, let’s talk about ice cream.

Hasn’t just about every child on earth heard the old childhood chant:

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream?”

Now, I know that not everyone likes ice cream, but I personally believe that ice cream should be one of the major food groups for wholesome nutrition—not that I have a degree in nutrition, mind you.

I’ll take ice cream any way that I can get it: in cones, milkshakes, sundaes, bars, on top of pie, with a piece of birthday cake, sprinkled with chocolate chips, YUMMMM!

By my reckoning, ice cream makes everything better.

And oh, the variety of flavors! There are the classics like Vanilla, Chocolate, and Strawberry. The combos, like Neapolitan, Mint Chocolate Chip and Rocky Road. Or the new-fangled flavors like Cherries Garcia and Moose Tracks.

And Ice Cream has been around for a long time. Did you know that Martha Washington’s favorite ice-cream flavor was Oyster. That is actually the only flavor I’ve ever heard of that I might take a pass on if someone were to offer me a scoop of Oyster ice cream.

In truth, ice cream has been in commercial production in this country since the 1860’s when Breyer’s Ice Cream was founded, making it the oldest commercial manufacturer of ice cream in the U.S.A

One much newer, yet, fast-growing ice cream company has built its success on its dominance in the diet ice cream market. In 2017, Halo Top became the best-selling pint in grocery stores, even whizzing past such industry giants as Ben & Jerry’s and Häagen-Dazs.

This relative newcomer to the ice cream game produced some TV commercials last spring when the pandemic frenzy was peaking. The ad shows a girl eating some Halo Top ice cream while a voice over explains why. Essentially, the message says that for too long we’ve been burdened by all the things we should do — but ultimately fail to do:

I “should” lose weight. I “should” work out. I “should” eat more salads. I “should” skip desserts.

The tag line — as the girl reaches for a pint of Halo Top ice cream is: “Stop ‘shoulding’ yourself.”

The mantra is clear: We all constantly tell ourselves things we ‘should’ do. … At Halo Top We believe it’s time to stop shoulding yourself.

And why not? The packaging of each pint declares in big numbers the calories: 360, 320 or 280. The product is made with natural and organic ingredients and is a “great-tasting” source of protein. No wonder we are told to “stop shoulding ourselves.” Timothy Merrill writes in Homileticsonline.com, There’s an irony that statement that is as delicious as the ice cream itself.

But, in the real world, in life, we can’t stop shoulding ourselves, can we?

We should obey municipal, state and federal laws. We should wear seat belts. We should wear masks. We should practice social distancing. We should pay our taxes.

And, then, if we look at the Bible — or any sacred text — there’s a slew of “shoulding” involved in being a good Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or whatever.

We should be kind to one another. We should be patient. We should share with each other. We should put others first ahead of ourselves. We should pray. We should love God. We should love our neighbors as ourselves. We should be compassionate. We should be humble and resist pride.

Do you want more?

If we live in community we must be obedient .

In this morning’s lectionary, God names the community Israel after Jacob, its patriarch. The name Israel means one who wrestles with God.

Perhaps there is no more famous encapsulation of the importance of shoulding than the Ten Commandments, itemized in today’s Old Testament reading.

They are important because, like the Jews before us, Christians exist as a part a a community of faith. In the first few verses of today’s text, God defines the faith community. Yahweh, God’s name in Hebrew, is to be Israel’s only God. Since God’s finger carved the words of the ten commandments on the two stone tablets and gave them to Moses, they have been copied, installed, paraphrased, erected, proclaimed, translated, and argued over in the courts.

The very mention of “ten commandments” is a reminder of our duty toward God, and our fellow human beings.

In fact, the two tablets seem to reflect this division: The God Rules (vv. 1-11) and the People Rules (vv. 12-17). But, really, the divisions are intertwined. Our understanding of neighborly obligations flows from our knowledge of God as the singular and supreme God of creation who demands obedience and worship. Theologians call it ethical monotheism. There is no ambiguity. There is one God.

We know this God.

We know what this one and true God wants.

So, we do not murder, lie or steal because this is not the nature of the God we worship.

It’s kind of like the family at home. The behavioral training of the children reflects the ethical and moral values of the parents.

Although the rules of the second tablet flow from the first, we don’t have to be religious or super-godly to understand their importance. If we live in community, we must abide by the shoulds and oughts. It’s the only way a community can not only survive, but also thrive. If you don’t live in a community, if you’re living the life of a hermit in a cave on the shoulder of a mountain, well, the stealing, murdering and lying commandments don’t apply. You’re by yourself and only need to answer to yourself.

The rest of us, however, live in communities. Perhaps this is why God stops the pilgrimage to Canaan here at Mount Sinai. It is here that God tells the Israelites that they are a family. Like Israel, we are a community and therefore God has some expectations that will apply to each member of that community.

It’s as if God is saying, as we continue the journey to Canaan, we must live by certain rules and observe some specific boundaries. So, just to be clear, here is how we’re going to function and operate going forward.

This is what our worship space is going to look like. This is what we’re going to sing. This is how we’re going to worship. This is what we’re going to eat and not eat. This is who can and can’t get married. This is what happens to those who break the commandments. These are the leaders we will have, and this is what they will do.

The Ten Commandments, then, are only a small part of all that God explains during this stop at Sinai. Here, in the ten commandments, the charter is established. Now that Israel is organized, the nation can proceed, claiming the land that was promised to its ancestors by God.

Of course, it didn’t work out quite that way. Somehow, the Israelites managed to turn a three-month trip into a 40-year adventure.

Perhaps they had the same problems that we do today. Perhaps they, too struggled with moral relativism and situational ethics.

What is right is wrong; what is wrong is right.

How can it be wrong if it feels so right?

If it feels right, do it, because anything goes.

The Pleasure Principle.

What’s wrong for you might be right for me,

“If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right” and so on and on it goes.

But even in the face of moral relativism, there are moral absolutes in the universe.

For example, it would be hard to argue against the idea that commandments 5-10 are right up there at the front of the list. Who would seriously suggest that it is morally permissible to murder, steal, lie and to be envious of your neighbor’s possessions? No reasonable atheist, secularist, humanist, or person of any other religious tradition, would disagree that these “shoulds” or “should nots” are as absolute and inflexible as possible in any discussion of ethics and moral law.

This is so widely accepted that the core laws of nearly every society since the founding of the nation of Israel was based, more or less on the Ten Commandments. Our own nation’s foundational document, the Constitution is a system of laws based in part on moral ethics of community established by the ten commandments. Whether they are displayed in schools or court houses, or not—whether they are esteemed by our fellow citizens or not, they are nevertheless at the root of who we are as Americans.

Every municipality in the country employs a police force to ensure that these commandments are observed to the letter.

And why do we hire police officers?

Because we live in community. We’re in perfect agreement with the intent of these commandments. We certainly don’t want anyone stealing our stuff! And if someone in our family is murdered, we’d like the culprit to be brought to justice. And we don’t want anyone to slander our good name, telling lies about us. And although the police can’t do too much about how well we honor or how badly we dishonor our parents, or about whether we’re coveting our neighbor’s car, or home, or spouse, we do want the police to monitor these other things.

Having some “shoulds” in our life is a good thing. If all of us respect the “shoulds,” our communities and cities will be better places to live.

I’ve really enjoyed the latest guest host on Jeopardy who closes each show quoting the late Alex Trebek, saying, We are trying to build a kinder, nobler country. And if we all help, we can!

That said, don’t we get tired of being responsible citizens, of obeying the rules all the time? Maybe not. Perhaps we’re comfortable living within the rules. Some people aren’t. They have a problem with authority. They want to blow off some steam, be crazy for a while, flaunt the rules. They want to take off the masks, an action which they see as being symbolic of freedom from authority.

Which is why God invented and low-fat ice cream.

So, this ice cream company says, be self-indulgent. Forget the “shoulds.” Stop “shoulding” yourself.

We get it.

But, the reality is that we can’t stop observing the shoulds. We must, absolutely must, respect the shoulds and should-nots. We owe it to ourselves and to the others who comprise our community.

But, on the other hand

playing devil’s advocate — perhaps Halo Top ice cream company has touched on something important.

Is it possible that there are some things we should stop shoulding about? After all, when you add up all the federal, state and municipal commandments we’re required to obey (at the risk of fines or jail time), and add to that the religious, ethical and moral commandments we’re supposed to follow, there’s no point adding to our “should” burden unnecessarily, is there?

For example: Perhaps, many of us have become slaves to cultural perceptions of beauty and fashion.

Is it possible we should stop shoulding ourselves about the need of perfecting our bodies so that we have a perfect hourglass figure or six-pack abs?

Perhaps, we also have been burdened by the need to be perfect: perfect parents, perfect super-moms or cool moms, perfect super-dads. Or the perfect husband, the perfect wife, the perfect employee. News flash: Thou are not perfect and thou shalt not strive to be perfectly conformed to societal norms, rather, seek first the rule of God and God’s righteousness.

It’s also possible that we are oppressed by the need to keep up with everyone else. We feel that we must match the achievement of our peers, that our lifestyle should be similar to those in our income bracket. We’re slightly embarrassed when we lag behind others — our friends, family or colleagues — in terms of professional advancement or material and financial status.

We might also feel pressure to yield to certain political or ideological positions that in our hearts we know to be antithetical to our religious convictions. We might feel a lot of pressure to think and act in ways that may be politically correct, but inside, we know are offensive to God.

We also might suffer in a general way from the “shoulds” and “oughts” of expectations. In the effort to meet the expectations of others, we might bring calamity down upon ourselves physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

Striving to meet anyone’s expectations except God’s and those reasonable demands we place on ourselves can have grave consequences for us, and possibly even threaten our spiritual well being and bring us to an eternal life of pain and suffering in hell.

When to obey the oughts and the shoulds of the world is a call only I can make for myself. The counsel of friends and family is important, but ultimately, each one of us alone must decide what we should and should not do.

But when God’s talking, there’s no ambiguity. There’s no argument about whether to be obedient. We should.

In Acts 5:29 we read, “But Peter and the apostles answered, ‘We must obey God rather than any human authority…’”

In John 15:14, Jesus said, “You are my friends if you do what I command you.”

In Psalm 119:35, the psalmist pleads with God, “Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it,”

The psalmist is on to something. He “delights” in obeying the Lord.

Do we feel oppressed by a spirit of obligation when we do something that brings joy to our spouses or our children?

No!

If fact, when we do something that brings them Joy, it gives us joy, too!

When we can delight in obeying God’s laws, the “should” factor has been removed. It is no longer an obligation; it is a joy — even as it is a joy for us to serve those we love on this earthly plane.

No wonder Psalm 1 begins with the words, “Happy are those who … delight … in the law of the Lord, and on his law they meditate day and night. … In all that they do, they prosper!”

Maybe we should “stop shoulding” our selves over societal pressures, over worldly status, over the need to be up to date with the latest fads or fashions, over political correctness, which threatens our joy and brings us humiliation, shame, and feelings of low self-worth as we try to conform ourselves to the ways of the world, rather than to the way of God.

I firmly believe that this keeping up with the Joneses mentality, is one of the many weapons which Satan uses to rob of us the joy of living and to keep us in bondage to sin.

But let us never stop trying to achieve the holy perfection which Jesus speaks of in Matthew 5:48, when he urges us to:

“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.”

Jesus does not suggest that it is possible to flawlessly impersonate or imitate the moral perfection of the God. It’s absurd to think that we might ever achieve the purity of perfection that is found in God, and we would be dangerously close to blasphemy to assume that we’d ever achieved it!

For the Greeks, perfection had to do with function or utility. Something is perfect if it functions or behaves in the manner for which it was planned, designed and made. The potter intends to make a bowl that will be used for stew. If it cracks and leaks, if the design is off, if the size is wrong — well, it is imperfect, so he goes back to the wheel and makes it again.

God is God — and I am not — and neither are any of us. Perfection is found in essence, being, function and attributes. God the Potter has formed us and made us. We are purpose-built creatures. To the extent that we human beings fulfil the purpose and plan for which we were created and made, we too are perfect. Jesus calls us to be such persons.

In the blog article“Shoulding Yourself, Shoulding Others, John Tagg writes about how as children, being molded by our parents and teachers, sometimes we balk at the idea of performing our assigned chores, or doing our homework. We cry out, I’ll do it later, all the while dreading the action, and putting it off for as long as we can get away with it. But “As adults, we are free to choose what to do and what not to do. College is not mandatory. You are perfectly free to leave it and go do something else. But whatever you choose to do, you will bear the consequences . . . .”

I love to read. I enjoy it. But even today, having a book assigned as required reading somehow changes the joy of reading into the dread of requirement. I’ve reread many books over the years which I originally read because it was a school requirement.

One way to surrender the dread of completing requirements or the hold of "should" thoughts, according to Tagg, “is to bring the thought out in the open and substitute the word "choose" for the word "should." If you find yourself squirming with the automatic thought, "I should start my essay," change it to "I choose to start my essay." That way, you're a free agent. There is more joy in choosing for oneself than there is in simply being obedient to authority. How perfect is that?

That’s the kind of perfection which Joshua proclaimed when he said, “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord!” Therein, we find our joy! And that’s the only should with which we need concern ourselves.

Will you pray with me . . . .